


I'll Follow You and You Can Follow Me Too

by TripsH



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Developing Relationship, Introspection, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Relationship Study, spoilers for the most recent manga chapters, well some parts are
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-28
Updated: 2014-07-28
Packaged: 2018-02-10 18:10:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2034957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TripsH/pseuds/TripsH
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Pathetic."</p><p>It's not a word that means a lot. It shouldn't be something that shatters his whole world and builds a new one from the pieces. But it does.</p><p>(Maybe it's not the word itself, but the way it's said, he thinks much, much later.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll Follow You and You Can Follow Me Too

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first time I'm writing for a pairing other than iwaoi and I'm a little nervous. I just had a ton of inspiration for these two and this is basically me writing my emotions. 
> 
> I really relate to Yamaguchi on a personal level, so I hope I do him justice.

Yamaguchi Tadashi isn't a difficult kid. He's just kind of _there_. Always has been, even from the time he was a child. Nothing special, didn't stand out from the crowd. Normal.

He's not a bright star, he's not someone who can make someone drop everything with a word, who can change someone's whole existence with a simple look.

That's Tsukki. That's always been Tsukki.

Tsukki is bright. Blindingly so. But only if you choose to look at him that way. A lot of people may look at Tsukki and dismiss him right away because he's blunt and says words with an underlying meanness, never concealed, always there. Right in your face.

They say he's dull.

But he's not. For Yamaguchi, Tsukki's always been a guiding light. Someone who lights up the way and drives him forward. _Someone he wants to follow._

…

For some reason in elementary school, he becomes a target. Maybe it's his freckles, maybe it's the way he doesn't speak up for himself. He doesn’t know. But kids will pick on him, make fun of him, and then call him weak when he doesn't fight back.

"Pathetic."

It's not a word that means a lot. It shouldn't be something that shatters his whole world and builds a new one from the pieces. But it does.

(Maybe it's not the word itself, but the way it's said, he thinks much, much later.)

The way Tsukki can dismiss someone with a simple tone, with a bored look is powerful.  It's as if he can make someone who feels they're important—like they're doing something important—feel stupid seconds later. And if you're not a strong enough person, if you take that to heart, that can set you back a lot. That's the strange power Tsukki has over people, intentional or not.

(It's never worked on people like Hinata and Kageyama though. Those two are sure of themselves, won't let their lights go out over something like relentless words and harsh criticisms.)

But because Tsukki is someone people listen to, that people respect, the other kids are gone. And Yamaguchi is just _there_ , like always, wondering what happened.

 _You're someone I'd follow_ , he thinks, watching Tsukki's retreating back. But he doesn't say anything, doesn't go after him. Maybe because he's weak, maybe because he's scared. He doesn't know.

… 

He doesn't really believe in fate. (If he said he did, Tsukki would laugh at him, wave a hand in dismissal, tell him he's being stupid.) But he can't deny that it's almost like fate is looking down on him when he meets Tsukki again at their school's volleyball club.

And he sees hints of Tsukki's brightness, shining, welcoming, drawing him in, like a light house guiding a sailor lost at sea. And regardless of if fate is real or not, it's sealed in that moment when he watches Tsukki talk so proudly about his brother, when he watches him play.

_I'll follow you anywhere._

…

Yamaguchi's own light is still just developing. Maybe, he thinks, maybe Tsukki can share some with him.

…

Tsukki's light is suppressed when he sees his brother at that match. Sees his brother whom he idolizes so much sitting on a bench, nowhere near the court. After that Yamaguchi starts to see cynicism and negativity. Tsukki doesn't try as hard. He doesn't practice as much. He's just kind of there, stagnant. At least he doesn't quit.

Yamaguchi wonders if the thought has ever crossed his mind.

…

"Guys like them are annoying," Tsukki mutters, shaking his head as Hinata and Kageyama run off to practice extra.

He wonders if Tsukki sees his brother when he sees Hinata and Kageyama, wonders if that's why it's annoying. Because even though Tsukki seems like he doesn't care, Yamaguchi knows that he does. He doesn't want to open himself up to the chance of failure, the chance of disappointment. Like Akiteru did.

"Yeah…" Yamaguchi agrees, though he secretly admires the way Kageyama and Hinata are always moving forward. As odd as they may be, they're passionate, they're people who will go somewhere.

 _Not like him_ , he thinks bitterly, looking down at the volleyball in his hands. He's not lucky enough to be able to play with the rest of the first years, he's not talented enough. He's just Yamaguchi Tadashi. The simple kid who doesn't stand out, he's just _there_.

And for the first time he hates it. Really hates it.

…

He decides to do something about it. He won't get the chance to stand on the court, won't get the chance to play with everyone if he remains stagnant, if he doesn't practice.

It's late one night in the quiet whispers of his room after they'd stayed up too late playing video games and decided it was better for Tsukki to just stay over rather than going home that Tsukki says it.

"Why do you bother?"

He wonders if Tsukki means to say it. But it's there, the question lingering heavily between them in the silence of his bedroom.

"Because I want to stand out too. I want to play with the rest of you."

"Tch…"

Tsukki doesn’t say anything else after that, and Yamaguchi wonders if he's asleep. Yamaguchi is no professional at reading Tsukki. He knows him but there are times when Tsukki stumps him. This isn't one of those times though.

For once, he knows that Tsukki is showing that he cares. And Tsukki will never say it, but in the back of his mind, Yamaguchi wonders if it's because he doesn't want to see Yamaguchi end up like Akiteru. Doesn't want to see him get his hopes up and try to fly high… only to fall.

…

One time, he hears someone whisper, "Why does Yamaguchi stick around? Tsukishima doesn't seem interested at all."

The words kind of stab at his heart a little. Is that how they are? Is it always Yamaguchi running to catch up while Tsukki doesn't care one way or another?

(Will he _ever_ catch up?)

But then he knows it's not. It's almost like Tsukki can sense his doubt on their walk home from practice, Yamaguchi trailing a step or two behind rather than taking his usual place at Tsukki’s side.

"Want to come over to do homework?" It's a simple question. A simple question that anyone else would think nothing of. But it means so much. _It means so much to him._

"Okay. Thanks Tsukki!"

…

He's a wreck when he's put into the match against Aobajousai as a pinch server. His stomach is twisting in knots, his fingers shaking so badly that he doesn't even know if he can hold a ball let alone serve it. He's sure his face is pale and twisted into some terrified expression (Because no matter how much he tries, Yamaguchi is scared. Scared of failure, scared of letting everyone down… of letting himself down.) The team offers him encouragement and it calms his nerves a little. So he goes for it.

…

There's an odd feeling in his stomach, a burning behind his eyes as he feels tears ready to slip from them. He couldn't do it. Even with practice, his serve doesn't connect, doesn't go over. It's painful and embarrassing and it hurts so damn much. But the team is there, encouraging him, telling him he'll get it next time. _He swears he will._

But when he sees the way Tsukki is looking at him, he's not so sure. Tsukki's face looks blank but the look is his eyes is similar, so so similar to when he saw his brother unable to stand on the court, everything he’d ever worked for and loved a gigantic waste. It's a look that says "I'm sorry. I'm sorry and I didn't want this to happen to you."

And it breaks Yamaguchi's heart a little, but his resolve to get better, to get stronger is like a thread that mends and holds together any broken pieces. He'll succeed next time. He promises.

…

It all builds up after that. His will is so strong. He has a desire to get better, to stand tall and be successful. So he practices. More and more than ever before.

He notices the looks Tsukki is giving him, as if he wonders why Yamaguchi is still moving forward even after he had been knocked down.

But he's not going to give up. He's not going to lie down and accept that he's just plain old Yamaguchi Tadashi anymore. He _wants_ to move forward.

But Tsukki doesn't. And it's difficult. They've been together for so long, but it feels like they're falling apart now. Yamaguchi will stay later to practice, Tsukki will go home. Tsukki seems like he has no desire to improve, no care in the world.

(Maybe he doesn't)

Yamaguchi asks him to stay a few times, but Tsukki scoffs and says it's pointless. And slowly bit by bit Yamaguchi starts to think that Tsukki is being wrong. That Tsukki is afraid of falling so he doesn’t even want to try.

It's the first time that Yamaguchi wonders if Tsukki's light really is starting to go out.

…

Summer training camp is more or less the same. Everyone practices extra, Tsukki leaves early.

They're drifting apart. He's moving forward and Tsukki is staying stagnant. And it's no longer where he's the one following, trailing behind after someone he respects and admires and wants to catch up to. He's the one looking behind him, wondering if they'll ever be on the same wavelength. That's all he really wants.

"I'm fine. Just go on ahead already," Tsukki says as they run. It’s almost like he’s dismissing him, telling him to keep moving forward and to leave him behind.

He doesn’t want to.

"...Alright…" 

  _Maybe I can’t follow you anymore…_

…

He's tired of seeing Tsukki like this. So, so tired. So he says something and hopes it will work.

And when Tsukki questions it, questions what motivation he has for trying to get better, Yamaguchi thinks of the entire team, of their will to get better, to go to Nationals. He thinks of when he was put in the match, when his serve didn't go over. The pain and embarrassment and everything that came along with not being good enough. He never wants to feel that way again. _Never._ He wants to be good enough, to be dependable.

"Motivation? What more do you need than pride?"

He's breathing heavily after the outburst, letting the words hang between them. It's not clear how Tsukki will react but…

"...I never thought I'd see the day…"

_Huh?_

"When did you become so cool?"

_Cool?_

"You're really cool."

_What?_

He doesn't know what to say, he's so surprised to hear it. All of this time, he'd been the one who thought Tsukki was cool. He'd idolized him, looked up to him, respected him, admired him. He wanted to be close to him, to have his respect too. Maybe he does have it. Maybe he always did.

Tsukki doesn't say it, but Yamaguchi can see it. A look in his eyes that says "thank you." It's not an overwhelming thing, only something barely noticeable. You just have to know how to look at Tsukki in order to see it.

And he feels a sense of relief overcome him. Tsukki still isn't perfect. But maybe he would stop being so stuck in one place. Maybe he won't be so afraid to move forward, to put himself out there.  

It's not perfect yet, but maybe it can be.

…

He's put in to serve in the match against Wakunan and he feels the same way as before. Nervous, afraid, worried his practice won't pay off.

But this time it's not just the team encouraging him. This time, Tsukki is encouraging him too.

And that means the world to him. He knows he's not alone, that their relationship isn't just him trailing after Tsukki. Tsukki cares, no matter what anyone says, he knows Tsukki cares. And that's all that matters.  

They are on the same wavelength. They always _have_ been on the same wavelength. He's just never seen it that way. Never seen it until now. The way Tsukki smiles at him after he scores a point… it says enough.

And maybe, he thinks, maybe Tsukki's light wasn't going out for good. Maybe it was just shaded. Even bright lights can weaken, can be at risk of going out. But with a newfound resolve, it's back. And it's brighter than he's ever seen it.

It reminds him of that day that they met in the volleyball club of their elementary school, when he’d first spotted Tsukki’s light as he’d talked proudly about his older brother. But now, maybe Tsukki doesn’t need to share that light. Maybe it’s Yamaguchi who’s shared some of his own light with Tsukki, inspiring and guiding him too.

… 

"Thank you." It isn't until much later that Tsukki says it, and at first, Yamaguchi is unsure of what it's for. Did he do something that day in particular that deserved it?

"For what?" he finds himself asking. They're drifting back together again, slowly but surely, the strain on their relationship fading. Things are different now though. Yamaguchi doesn't doubt their relationship, doesn't doubt that Tsukki cares. He's seen a lot of emotions in Tsukki's eyes, fear and love and anger and sadness. And he knows now that Tsukki understands he doesn't have to hide that. Tsukki is—and probably always will be—calm and cool and collected. Someone he looks up to and admires and wants to be with. But it's when the back of Tsukki's hand brushes against his own on their way to the gym for practice that he understands what he's talking about.

"For back then…"

It's all Tsukki needs to say and Yamaguchi gives an understanding smile, brushing their hands together again. "You're welcome." 

For the longest time, he'd been trying to catch up to Tsukki, trying to follow the light Tsukki gives off. But now, he realizes, he might have his own light. He might be the one who sometimes will have to share with Tsukki too. To make each other better, stronger, brighter.

Because just maybe Yamaguchi Tadashi is someone worth following too.     

 


End file.
